Sorry kids, 2013 has moved out, and the hotter younger 2014 has moved in (though we’re still waiting on the “hotter” part).
We are more than a month into the new year and now that the parties have subsided and the Super Bowl has helped us choose this year’s animal sacrifice (the Broncos will make a better glue than a football team), I believe it is time that I finally outline my goals for the year. Goals, by the way, are different from resolutions. Goals are things we actually intend on accomplishing, whereas resolutions are just things we say when we want everyone to know what we quietly hate about ourselves.
I am not kidding either, there is science out there to back me up. A study by Gail Matthews, a psychology professor at Dominican University in California, determined that one is 42 percent more likely to achieve one’s goals just by writing them down, as opposed to drunkenly making a pinky promise with some dude one meets at a party.
So, if we are 42 percent more likely to meet our goals by simply writing said goals down, that tells me one very important thing — we need to set loftier goals.
Just think if the things the majority of us were listing were things like, “save the planet,” “end world hunger” or “stop giving actor Shia Labeouf work,” instead of trivial personal matters such as “lose weight” or “reduce body odor,” and 42 percent of those lofty goals were successful.
To lead the way, I offer my 2014 list of lofty goals — now with 20 percent more loft in every bite.
1.) Reach a million readers: The Robesonian’s print circulation is slightly lower than a million (also, I am stretching the definition of the word “slightly,” just … slightly), however the Internet has a circulation of infinity and I see no reason we can’t have more readers than CNN has nightly viewers. Honestly, have you seen CNN’s ratings lately? I think I am setting the bar pretty low.
We may need your help. I’ll be honest, if the shoe were on the other foot, I’d probably laugh at you for wearing backwards shoes. But I’m taking a gamble on you being a better person than I am.
Please share any stories you read on our website with all of your friends and random Internet strangers, and visit our website as often as you can. Reloading the page over and over doesn’t count … Mom.
2.) Buy a portion of Canada: The good portion.
Canada has been responsible for much of our national woes as of late. It was, afterall, a Canadian company, CGI Federal, that the United States contracted to do much of their coding for the ill-fated Healthcare.gov website. The nasty chill we’ve been experiencing for the past few weeks is also the fault of Canada and let us not forget that it was Canada that has given us our latest international terrorist — Justin Bieber.
It is clear that under the leadership of a crazed yet lovable Mayor Rob Ford, Canada has fired the first shots in a passive-aggressive war on the United States and the only way to prevent this passive aggression from turning into a full scale international snub is if I take it upon myself to purchase Canada from the Queen of England. I think we can all agree that my mug would look much better than hers plastered on colorful oversized money.
3.) Make enough money to buy a portion of Canada.
These aren’t in chronological order, just so you know.
4.) Maintain a loving romantic relationship for more than a year.
OK, to many this one doesn’t seem so lofty, however all my recent relationships have come and gone with a quickness. I enjoy commitment. It’s one of the easiest ways to do nothing, while getting congratulated as if you are doing something.
Hypothetical man: “Wow, six years? Congratulations. What’s your secret?”
Me: “Mostly not breaking up.”
Hypothetical man: “You’re a stronger man than I‘ll ever be.”
Me: “And I exist!”
Hypothetical man: “… Yeah, you know what? To hell with you. “
5.) Kill hypothetical man.
He needs to learn to respect his Creator.
6.) Write a book.
I’ve already got potential titles, all of them ending in “Electric Boogaloo.”
Writing a book has been a dream of mine since the day I realized it must be ridiculously easy to get published. Don’t believe me? Check out the urban fiction section of our local Walmart. They barely spell-check that stuff.
7.) Love my family more.
My family kicks butt (gladiator style) and though I’ve put a lot of focus on showing my friends the loving, I want my family to know that I’m still there for them. This is the only way I can ever hope to inherit the family cat, and my mom‘s collection of “Star Trek” memorabilia.
8.) Win the Olympics. All of them.
I’m now 30 and it is endlessly depressing to me that people keep assuming I’m 46.
Granted, my hairline appears to have a restraining order against my eyebrows, but I also suspect that it has to do with my diet — and so, I pledge to train like Olympic skier Billy Demong, then destroy him in battle.
9.) Get a big rock.
Not too big for me to lift, but big enough to destroy Billy Demong in battle and still have enough killing power left over for that damn hypothetical man.
Well, that’s about it. One day I hope to write a top 10 list that actually ends in 10, but that’s a lofty goal for a far loftier year. 2015 is looking promising.